The last post was one in which I spoke of depression, in my case brought on by a number of factors, not the least of which was the loss of my job. I have found another job, less money, worse hours (a late shift in a warehouse), but for the same company. The one that decided that they did not need 2 people working in the Health and safety department, well, there are only 400+ employees.......
Not unnaturally I looked at the Internet to see what I could find out about depression in men. After all, we men do not go to our doctors. I do not know why we do not use our GPs more but it is a fact that we do not. One site that I found useful was Depression and Suicide in Men If for no other reason that it did confirm that I am suffering from something other than feeling sorry for myself. Here are some of the tell tale signs;
pervasive low mood
loss of interest and enjoyment
reduced energy and diminished activity.
Other features can also be present, including:
poor concentration and attention
poor self-esteem or self-confidence
ideas of guilt and unworthiness
a bleak pessimistic view of the future
thinking about, planning, or attempting suicide
crying for no reason
disturbed sleep
poor appetite
decreased interest in sex
The recommendation from the site is that that if you have any of the symptoms you should talk to your doctor. If you have 3 or 4 symptoms and have thought about committing suicide you should talk to your doctor, urgently.
I certainly have a few of the symptoms. However, it seemed to me when I first read the list that everyone must qualify. It was not until I talked to a couple of male friends that I realised that they did not but I have on a number of occasions throughout my life. So, it seems that I have had several bouts of depression and come through them one way or another. I am sure that it will be the same this time. I have no desire to resort to medication, I have even cut down on my medicine of choice (whiskey).
I know that it will take a while but at least last weekend I was able to face going to have a meal with friends. For a number of weeks I have not been able to do that. I had been out for a social drink twice during the last month and had to leave very early because I could not stand the company of good friends.
If you are suffering from depression there are a number of pieces of advice I would offer. The main one is that the road to recovery is not straight. There will be times when you are feeling markedly better and then you may well slip back again. Talk to your partner, if you have one, they deserve to know what you are going through, so that they can help. It is not their fault if they tell you to pull yourself together if they do not know what is happening inside your head. Do seriously consider talking through your feelings with your GP or someone who you trust.
Above all, if you know anyone who seems to be displaying any of these symptoms then talk to them. You might just save their life.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Suicide or Fly Fishing?
13th April 2008
A strange thing happened on the way to this blog. I was going to talk about the despair that leads towards thoughts of suicide. Instead of which I will be talking about fly fishing.
I got up today and the day was overcast, dry and warm. A good day for fly fishing. When I arrived at the lake which is only 8 to 10 miles from where I live, it was overcast, raining, and cold. I began with 3 flies, as always. There was a small black buzzer (size 14 - the only fly I can tie well) on the top, a larger buzzer on the middle dropper and a large, improbably fluorescent daddy on the point.
None of that means anything to anyone who does not fly fish, I realise. What it does mean is that I was using 3 flies and the fish were having none of it.
Fly fishing is a great leveller of people. You can have all the money in the world and the fish can still turn their noses up at you. I am not a good fly fisher. I have an elbow problem that makes distance casting difficult. One of the great sayings of fly fishing is that not all distance casters are great anglers, but all great anglers can cast a distance.
Anyway, suicide or flyfishing?
I was going to talk about suicide. Not the supercilious 'here's how to do it' type of blog. It was going to be about the despair and depression that lead to thoughts of suicide. The black dog that lives in your soul. The one that I have seen and known recently. Life is hard. My life has been unravelling. Debts that I can not control, a job taken away because of the economic outlook, and my inability to talk to my partner about any of the issues. I feel worthless with a cold pit in my soul.
Why fly fishing today? It is simple. Fly fishing allows me to avoid and forget (for a while) my problems. Fly fishing is a sport of concentration, of luck, and ability. I lack all three, which is a shame.
The point of fly fishing is not to catch fish. The point is to teach humility. Think about it. You cast a hook dressed with feathers that hopefully looks like something a trout might want to eat. The angler tries to make the fish take the imitation fly. The trout look at it and turn away. You have to be humble in this game.
Casting a fly would be easy, if it weighed more that a piece of wool on the end of a 30 foot length of line. Unfortunately it doesn't. The method is to make the line float in the air, to induce a whip into the line that takes that small fly out onto the water, just for the fish to ignore.
Today I got up at 6:00. I was awake at 4:00 my mind racing about my problems but by 7:00 I was beginning to think about fishing. That is one of the great things about fly fishing. You have to forget your problems. Only calm will do, it is very zen.
I arrived at the small lake at 8:00. It was calm. 2 other anglers were there, they had tackled up and were fishing. I walked along the bank to the spot I like. I laid out my landing net first, as I always do, then I put the rod together and threaded the line through the eyes. No talking, no outside thoughts, just looking at the water, where are the fish rising? This is the quiet time. The time to empty thoughts, to forget. This is the perfect time.
As soon as you begin to fish you lose. Take too many fish and it is too easy. Take none and it is a defeat. Take any and you still lose, unless to take one and immediately pack up your tackle, which is impossible. So you always lose. That is fitting. You spend your time and skill, the fish spend their lives, for you.
The mechanics of fly fishing are simple. You cast the fly, let it sink a bit and retrieve it. The actuality is different. The cast, did it land on the water without disturbing the fish? Let the fly sink to the depth that you think is where the fish are and then retrieve it, trying to make it look alive.
The angler has to forget everything, clear his mind. He can be there for 4 hours or more. He has to have his mind alert for a tug, a slight movement in the line. Then, if he does not react immediately the fish will spit out the cold taste of the hook.
I stood on the bank. I saw my first squirrel of the year. The squirrels that live in our garden have not made an appearance yet but here there was one jumping from tree to tree. The ducks flew in and swam over my line without catching on it, how do they do that? Chaffinches started a domestic argument raising a racket that would disturb the dead, but not the fish.
It begins to rain I cast. It rains some more and I cast again. I wonder about my flies. Should I change them? Perhaps flies with more colour, perhaps bigger would be better.
My hands become cold, red with the breeze and rain. My mind begins to play music. I can not clear my mind of songs. Captain Beefheart songs do not help with my fishing, but the Captain will not go away. he has been part of my life for 40 years, why should he go now? The line twitches, the fish is playing with me. I become aware, the line moves and I lift into a fish.
Another fish follows on the next cast. Then nothing for 2 hours. I go home.
Depression returns and I open a bottle of whiskey. But for 4 hours it was good.
A strange thing happened on the way to this blog. I was going to talk about the despair that leads towards thoughts of suicide. Instead of which I will be talking about fly fishing.
I got up today and the day was overcast, dry and warm. A good day for fly fishing. When I arrived at the lake which is only 8 to 10 miles from where I live, it was overcast, raining, and cold. I began with 3 flies, as always. There was a small black buzzer (size 14 - the only fly I can tie well) on the top, a larger buzzer on the middle dropper and a large, improbably fluorescent daddy on the point.
None of that means anything to anyone who does not fly fish, I realise. What it does mean is that I was using 3 flies and the fish were having none of it.
Fly fishing is a great leveller of people. You can have all the money in the world and the fish can still turn their noses up at you. I am not a good fly fisher. I have an elbow problem that makes distance casting difficult. One of the great sayings of fly fishing is that not all distance casters are great anglers, but all great anglers can cast a distance.
Anyway, suicide or flyfishing?
I was going to talk about suicide. Not the supercilious 'here's how to do it' type of blog. It was going to be about the despair and depression that lead to thoughts of suicide. The black dog that lives in your soul. The one that I have seen and known recently. Life is hard. My life has been unravelling. Debts that I can not control, a job taken away because of the economic outlook, and my inability to talk to my partner about any of the issues. I feel worthless with a cold pit in my soul.
Why fly fishing today? It is simple. Fly fishing allows me to avoid and forget (for a while) my problems. Fly fishing is a sport of concentration, of luck, and ability. I lack all three, which is a shame.
The point of fly fishing is not to catch fish. The point is to teach humility. Think about it. You cast a hook dressed with feathers that hopefully looks like something a trout might want to eat. The angler tries to make the fish take the imitation fly. The trout look at it and turn away. You have to be humble in this game.
Casting a fly would be easy, if it weighed more that a piece of wool on the end of a 30 foot length of line. Unfortunately it doesn't. The method is to make the line float in the air, to induce a whip into the line that takes that small fly out onto the water, just for the fish to ignore.
Today I got up at 6:00. I was awake at 4:00 my mind racing about my problems but by 7:00 I was beginning to think about fishing. That is one of the great things about fly fishing. You have to forget your problems. Only calm will do, it is very zen.
I arrived at the small lake at 8:00. It was calm. 2 other anglers were there, they had tackled up and were fishing. I walked along the bank to the spot I like. I laid out my landing net first, as I always do, then I put the rod together and threaded the line through the eyes. No talking, no outside thoughts, just looking at the water, where are the fish rising? This is the quiet time. The time to empty thoughts, to forget. This is the perfect time.
As soon as you begin to fish you lose. Take too many fish and it is too easy. Take none and it is a defeat. Take any and you still lose, unless to take one and immediately pack up your tackle, which is impossible. So you always lose. That is fitting. You spend your time and skill, the fish spend their lives, for you.
The mechanics of fly fishing are simple. You cast the fly, let it sink a bit and retrieve it. The actuality is different. The cast, did it land on the water without disturbing the fish? Let the fly sink to the depth that you think is where the fish are and then retrieve it, trying to make it look alive.
The angler has to forget everything, clear his mind. He can be there for 4 hours or more. He has to have his mind alert for a tug, a slight movement in the line. Then, if he does not react immediately the fish will spit out the cold taste of the hook.
I stood on the bank. I saw my first squirrel of the year. The squirrels that live in our garden have not made an appearance yet but here there was one jumping from tree to tree. The ducks flew in and swam over my line without catching on it, how do they do that? Chaffinches started a domestic argument raising a racket that would disturb the dead, but not the fish.
It begins to rain I cast. It rains some more and I cast again. I wonder about my flies. Should I change them? Perhaps flies with more colour, perhaps bigger would be better.
My hands become cold, red with the breeze and rain. My mind begins to play music. I can not clear my mind of songs. Captain Beefheart songs do not help with my fishing, but the Captain will not go away. he has been part of my life for 40 years, why should he go now? The line twitches, the fish is playing with me. I become aware, the line moves and I lift into a fish.
Another fish follows on the next cast. Then nothing for 2 hours. I go home.
Depression returns and I open a bottle of whiskey. But for 4 hours it was good.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Olympic Torch
Why is anyone surprised at the troubles surrounding the parade of the Olympic Torch round the world?
When China was given the Olympics they agreed to far reaching changes over theri attitude to human rights. At the time the politicians in the IOC said that by giving them the games China would have to change. Now that they have not the same IOC politicians say that athletics should play no part in politics.
The sad truth is that the Chinese had no intention of changing, the IOC knew that, the political leaders in the West knew that but no one really cares, as long as China is a valuable trading partner. That is why you will not catch Brown, Bush, Clinton, Obama etc. condeming the Chinese in other than the broadest terms. They will certainly not call for cultural or business boycotts.
Sometimes it is difficult to be proud of your country, no matter which country it is. This week I was proud to be British. Proud to see the protesters out on the streets.
When China was given the Olympics they agreed to far reaching changes over theri attitude to human rights. At the time the politicians in the IOC said that by giving them the games China would have to change. Now that they have not the same IOC politicians say that athletics should play no part in politics.
The sad truth is that the Chinese had no intention of changing, the IOC knew that, the political leaders in the West knew that but no one really cares, as long as China is a valuable trading partner. That is why you will not catch Brown, Bush, Clinton, Obama etc. condeming the Chinese in other than the broadest terms. They will certainly not call for cultural or business boycotts.
Sometimes it is difficult to be proud of your country, no matter which country it is. This week I was proud to be British. Proud to see the protesters out on the streets.
So where is the Blues Podcast?
A couple of people have asked me what has happened to the new blues podcast. That is heartening as I did not know that anyone listened to them. It is also quite depressing as time has obviously been passing me by.
So, where is the blues podcast? Basically it is sitting on the stairs in my house, well, the CDs are. What I need to do is to take them into my home studio and to do the do, as they say. However, more important issues are pressing. The main one being that I am to be made redundant. The prospect of no cash coming in as from mid April is scary, both for me and my bank manager, credit card providers, etc.
One good thing to come out of this bombshell (and it was a bombshell, no indication that the company may be about to ditch 50% of the Health and Safety team) is that I have started studying for a H & S qualification (NEBOSH General Certificate if you are interested). About time too, I have been avoiding studying to get on with the practical suff, reducing accidents at work, doing risk assessments and generally nagging the middle managers to take H & S seriously. It worked too. Only 1 accident in the last 35 days (best ever result since we began to keep records in 2004). The near misses are now being reported rather than ignored and I have just organised Health Promotion Days for the 400 people who work for the firm.
The result? The company is now able to delegate the responsibility for H & S to the same middle managers that I have been nagging for the last 18 months to get their acts together. An own goal if ever there was one.
With only 2 weeks left in the business I am tempted to take an afternoon off and to record the show. Trouble is, I feel this responsibility towards the workers and can not just walk away, not until 18th April anyway.
So, where is the blues podcast? Basically it is sitting on the stairs in my house, well, the CDs are. What I need to do is to take them into my home studio and to do the do, as they say. However, more important issues are pressing. The main one being that I am to be made redundant. The prospect of no cash coming in as from mid April is scary, both for me and my bank manager, credit card providers, etc.
One good thing to come out of this bombshell (and it was a bombshell, no indication that the company may be about to ditch 50% of the Health and Safety team) is that I have started studying for a H & S qualification (NEBOSH General Certificate if you are interested). About time too, I have been avoiding studying to get on with the practical suff, reducing accidents at work, doing risk assessments and generally nagging the middle managers to take H & S seriously. It worked too. Only 1 accident in the last 35 days (best ever result since we began to keep records in 2004). The near misses are now being reported rather than ignored and I have just organised Health Promotion Days for the 400 people who work for the firm.
The result? The company is now able to delegate the responsibility for H & S to the same middle managers that I have been nagging for the last 18 months to get their acts together. An own goal if ever there was one.
With only 2 weeks left in the business I am tempted to take an afternoon off and to record the show. Trouble is, I feel this responsibility towards the workers and can not just walk away, not until 18th April anyway.
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